Learning How to Respond

Author Nancy Samalin makes a very good analogy in her book, Loving your child is not enough, positive discipline that works, one of which is, "we tend to want to protect our children from unhappiness." However, they need us to be a sounding board, acknowledging their feelings without judgment and allowing them to express it and work through it. 

She goes on to say, "Learning to respond empathically is a first and necessary step in helping children feel more competent." She also explains why this is such a hard task as a parent. Most parents tend to react to their children's feelings of being upset and she states, "we tend to get more upset and our emotions get in the way of our ability to recognize and accept their feelings." 

I agree with this, but would like to expand a little as well. I believe many times we, as parents, try to run cover, making excuses for their comments, and ignoring their need to be acknowledged, especially if it catches us off guard. Another problem I have experienced is wanting to fix everything, therefore, rather than truly listening and allowing them the opportunity to express their emotions, we tend to disregard them by telling them how it should be. 

So, if you are like me, you may be wandering at point, OK, so how are you suppose to respond? This book gives many examples of situations and how to respond, but I will share a different example. 

Son - (withdrawn and pouting)  

Mom - What's wrong?

Son - Nothing, I'm just sick of no one caring how I feel.

Mom - Well, how do you feel?

Son - It doesn't matter, no one cares anyway.

Mom - Why don't you tell me?

Son - Why should I, you'll just tell me how I shouldn't feel this way.

Mom - Wow, I'm really sorry. You must feel as though I haven't listen to you. 

Son - Yes, and you always want to tell me how wrong I am for the way I feel. 

Mom - Son, I am so sorry. I bet that makes you feel as if I don't care about your feelings. 

Son - Yes it does! Wow, mom thanks for caring. 

Now how many other ways could this same situation be handled? Such as the mom reacting with, "That's not true and you need to quit saying things like that!" or "Quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on." As you know the list could go on and on, but the question becomes what is the best way to respond? 

Finally, there are times we need to set firm boundaries. We may still be able to acknowledge ones feelings, yet not allow harmful behavior to be encouraged. Asking the child questions about their comments is a great way to allow them to know you are listening. Just remember it may take awhile for this process to change for both parents and kids, so be patient. 

Here's a point to ponder:  If you are having the some consistent battle with your child learn a new approach!